.e.A.t.Y.o.U.r.H.e.A.r.T.o.U.t.

I almost forgot ...

2009-09-12T07:32:24Z

That I decided to write in this again. I have been meaning to for the past couple days, but instead of writing, I just let my mind fill up with stupid none sense and over think things. I don't think that will ever change, the over thinking part.
I took a nap which was silly, because now I can't sleep and I have to work in the morning. But I was so sleepy after eating dinner with Brad. Oh-well, I will survive. So lately I've been having some thoughts. On who I am, if I'm good enough, what I can change about myself to better myself. What I need to do with my future, since working in a bar is only going to wear me so thin. It already has. I've been having some crazy dreams, they feel so real. Sometimes I let them get the best of me, and just wait for something to happen. I know it's no good, but I guess that just shows how self cautious I am.
I want to go to school, and make something of myself. I want to get married and have a home of my own. Have a child with the man I love who loves me. There's always something holding me back, it's my fault, I let it. But, I'm ready to grow up. Let me grow up. Want me to be successful and happy so I can want it for myself.
Something just needs to change. I've been telling myself for awhile now, and nothing has really changed. I don't know exactly what it is, but my life is the same thing over and over again. And it's a waste of life. I'm not doing anything exciting or learning. And I think thats what I need. I've been thinking about dance and singing lessons, just for fun. Once I get my money situation in order. Something to occupy my mind and not drink or sit at home alone watching TV on my days off.
It's just little things like that, I need to get in shape, and feel good about myself. Do something, even if its super small. It's something. We shall see.
On a lighter note, my brother is moving here. He will be here tomorrow. Though he will be staying with my dad most of the time, I am happy he's coming. Now all I need is my mom closer and that would be perfect.
I do want to move. I can't stand it here. There's nothing I like or even liked before to want to stay. But until I figure out somewhere else this is "home."
Well, it's almost 4 and I have to at least sleep for a couple hours. Night kids.

It's crazy who really cares about you ...

2009-08-23T07:48:43Z

So, it's funny ... I could be very well dead on the side of the road or in a coma right now ... And yes, I have been badly bruised and scrapped up, but the people who I though would care the most just pushes it off to the side. I've been working hobbling around like a zombie and a retard, trying to make ends meet and be a good employee. I don't expect gifts or praise, i don't. I've told my story and I still get tipped 5 percent. It's not that, I'm just trying to survive. But this shit is serious. I am coming to a point in my life, where I just don't know what to do or think about people anymore. My family, lover, best friend ... I still feel all alone. I am trying. That all I can do right ? But it still feels like it's not good enough. I can't take it anymore Something has to change, and it has to change NOW. I don't know what it is, but it's vital situation at this point. I feel like I cant count on anyone. Not that I need to or should, but it would be nice. I'm tired of giving my all and busting my ass. For what ? I have things that I am lucky for, but it wasn't handed to me by no means. I'm really stressing out right now. I'm frustrated because Im hurt and can't give it my all. How can I love myself, when no one else does ? I don't want to die, but is that really what it will take to get some respect and satisfaction from you people ? WTF ?! This world is a fucked up place. The times and people change, but the fucked up ways and people will always be the same. Unbelievable.

A job well done is never good enough

2009-08-22T11:30:12Z

WOW, so it's been almost two years maybe since I've written in this thing, and I feel an itch. I deleted all my stupid young and nieve posts and I'm ready to jump into a new start. But, unfortunately my new beginning isn't a happy one. My little brother who I haven't seen in two years came to visit. I am so happy to see him, a lot has gone down in the two weeks he's been here. I've realized that I'm a stubborn bitch, I'm frustrated with my life, I can't please everyone, and that not everyone that I come across I can trust or sympathize with. I'm really upset with my parents. More so my father. He is a complete selfish loser who needs to do something with his life or he will die a lonely, pathetic man. I do love him, he will always be my dad, but I just can't protect or help him any longer, because like him, I am stubborn and I'm tired of fighting a never ending battle. So I surrender. My brother ... The true man of my life, my heart and soul. I would do anything for that boy, he has grown so much and is so smart, but so stupid and childish at the same time. No matter what I do or say, I feel like leaving him three years ago has changed everything and he will never be the same young little boy who was doing so well. My whole family is a circle of a fucked mess you call life. It's sad but true. I love everyone, but can only take them in small doses. I'm sure many can agree. But my brother is different. I've tried something tonight that I have resented for a very long time, but I trusted someone and did it. You only live once right ? But I've also made the last night of my brothers visit a disaster. Not because I'm mean or started a fight on purpose, but I care too much to let someone I love fall apart. I want so much for him to be something a little more than what I've become. Not that I'm a failure, but I could be more. All I want is him to realize things that he has never been able to realize until now. He's only 18, but hes going no where. I want to help, and I know he thinks he can just go back home and do it all by himself, be he wont. Not that I don't believe, but I know him. He's my little bro. I just want to help him give him that push. And if he proves me wrong, I'll be so happy that he did it. But, I'm really banking on that he will fall into his same old ways. Maybe thats just something he has realize on his own, and so be it. But at the same time, I am so tired of caring for people who don't respect me that I am wearing thin. I got robbed the other night where I always hang out with my new roommate Sarah. Great girl by the way. I chased after this mother fucker after he put me in a choke hold and took Sarah's purse. I hung on to the car and was dragged, got some pretty gnarly scraps on my legs and feet. They caught them, they weren't even of age. I wasn't scared. Just shocked. Never thought anything like that would happen to me. My dad didn't really care much, I guess too busy making my brothers first visit here lame by driving him around to hooters every other night. Making sure I pay my bills on time, one in witch he promised to pay for so I could take off work and go to the beach with them, which sucked ass. But was too busy drinking it all away. Never again will I go on a trip with my father. I feel bad for my brother and boyfriend who had to go through that awful experience. Not to mention me losing two days of work for. Anyway, I'm pretty angry and very unemotional at this very moment. I have so much to say, but not really sure how to let loose and explain it. All I know is, that I care way too much, and I don't know if this is it, but soon I need to just let go and worry about my own damn life. Because no matter what I do, the only person who it's going to matter or make a difference to, is my goddamn self. AMEN, if I believed in the lord savior jesus whatever. Don't be offended, I have my own right of speech and I'm not afraid to share it. I don't care what the government or anyone else has to say. You can kiss my white little ghetto booty ass for all I care. Deal with it.